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Jan. 26th, 2006 @ 09:54 pm ..
im still alive.. yay for me
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Jan. 14th, 2006 @ 08:15 pm so so..
damn... Been gone from PC for a while now..
Well I've been working everyday day.. atleast 10 to 12 hours a day, but it'll be worth it at the end.

Trips have been awesome.. Another coming up to go to spain soon. Though i might stay their to live and work, and start my first company finally their and expand it towards here.. Reason I have to go to spain is to search where I want to locate myself, then open it up and work again. Afterwards maybe 6 months after the first office and wharehouse I open up I'll probably have enough to open another one here in the US.. I'm thinking Staten Island NY, just because that place keeps growing.. The more people the more I'll get.

I re decoradted my room. Keep it clean every day.. I think I've becomed more organized and goal oriented then I ever was. I'm like a freak with plans time, I'm very precise with timing and having things on time.

If anyone still wonders about my dirty smoking habits.. I still do it, but not as often as I used to.. Maybe one or twice a week, just when I have off from work. To relax and think things through.. As of art, I'm still drawing, trying to come up with new grafitti styles, trying to make my own unique one. as well as, working on portraits now. But yeah for me everything's been going like everyones day. It has its ups and downs.

But yeah I might leave to europe, Spain. It'll be so awesome ^_^
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Sep. 2nd, 2005 @ 05:51 pm (blank)
fucking gas prices.. lmao 3.25 +!!!!!

our national leader sucks balls.. unbelievable.. fucking A!
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Aug. 18th, 2005 @ 10:05 pm (blank)
Mood: depressed
It's funny how I treat this journal as if it was kind of a personal journal. I say what I feel and what I think with true facts from what I really am going through or thinking.. I don't really give two shits if people think I am a fuck up. So what if I am? at least I am trying to work them out.

I spoke with my mom today, actually just a couple of minutes I had a long talk with her.. Very sad though, she's willing to help me with my depts but after that on my own I'll try to help her for sacrificing herself to me.. I've had enough of sacrificing for those who don't respect what I do for them. I'm sick and tired of all the bullshit my dad gives me every day, and now my brother is doing the same. I can't do aything about it but take all of this crap. I was told that I should give into religion and start praying. Actually two people have told me this. But ever since young I've done this until I came to realise that religion is nothing because it helps you with shit.. Atleast not for me. In fact non of my prayers ever came true, I never saw signs of anything from god, My life has never improved and that's one of my main prayers I've always prayed for. If god loves and helps everyone from what people say.. Then how come he couldn't help my mom at a bus stop when she was being brtually beaten by my dad.. Or during the time he would beat my brothers and sisters as well as me.. Who the fuck tries to throw a phone to a 3 year old child? How cruel can you be? Why are people so awful and misguided... I've prayed for peace in the family.. Peace for my mom which she has now I guess.. But nothings ever happen to me.. I hear karma is good and bad.. If you do something good you get something good.. I try to do good deeds all the time but why does something bad has to happen? I'm not talking about just now you know.. But from my past.. I've never done anything wrong to be in what I am now. In fact I've always helped everyone as much as I can.. I've always helped bums with money, not caring whether they need it for food shelter or drugs. I've worked for communities in paterson, gave children counseling.. Creepy that I have but true that I did.. I'm really really getting tired of all this shit that is happening to me.. I want to give up so badly. I just want to stop everything instantly. But fuck seriously, I'm not afraid at all. The only shit that holds me back is those I love.. I can't bare to hurt anyone dramatically. Moreover I know a couple of people whome are real close to me that will follow if I just quit. and I can't do anything because it seems I am a rold model to them. So it is a must to just keep trying. But the more I try to worse it gets. It's like it will never get better. I try to think positive but when shit hits the fan, is difficult. Very difficult.

I want to leave jersey so much.. But something very personal is holding me back, and I can't leave'em.


I wish I was a child again. I was happy... I just wish.
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Jul. 30th, 2005 @ 01:07 am no need to know what trouble.
Mood: sad
damn man... When everything goes great for a while, something knocks it down straight down hill steep.

I think each year I end up in worse trouble, ever since two years ago, or actually ever since I touched pot... I fucking love that shit though you. I mean it makes me feel mad nice and mellow all the time. But fuck, I don't know..
Everything always heads down hill for me.. since child hood.. As much as I have dreams of overcoming my difficulties that come my way, and try to become as wealthy as possible....

I don't think it will ever happen. It's like something that will never happen, though realizing shit like this or always thinking like this is so sad.. =\

Shit like this is what makes me angry even more, having me think crazy all the time. Not crazy as in I will do anything, like jump into a strangers pool from a fence.. But stupid shit crazy. 750+500+500+300+........ is so much already.

Everything is so fucking hard for me.. Like I always here kids my age say shit like, yeah this is the time where we should all enjoy ourselves. Do whatever we feel like doing with no regrets. Do things for experience, just because we are at the age of where we just got out of HS, and we don't have any major responsobilities to deal with.

I wish I had that. No major responsobilities, no depts, no nothing.. I just want to live life as is with no problems. Why the fuck does america have to have so many fucking laws.. Stupid shitty as country. I can move lol, but shit it will make things more difficult because everything else is cheap and for me that cheap stuff will make me cheaper and poorer..

I am in so much trouble now man.. So so much trouble..

I'm about to give up.

Another sad thing is I can't ask any of my friends for help because in no way they will be able to. I mean I know they can, but I know they won't be able to at all, or they just really won't, with a shitty ass excuse. This is when you really know who your true friends are... Moreover after this, it will seem I have non actually, heh. Same goes with family too.. My family has been screwed up for so long, no one likes each other because of my dad. Actually he just turned the family against him, and since we are part of "his family" they dislike us..

Oh well..

I wish I could smoke it off.
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Jul. 22nd, 2005 @ 10:08 am Photobucket
This is a test post from Photobucket.com
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Jun. 2nd, 2005 @ 09:51 pm (blank)
damn yo, best day today since a long time..

heh..

Good shit it all started good.. Fucking, free Tea from Starbucks, new cell phone... Got to do shit at work and didn't get in trouble.. Then got a free Iced Caramel Machiato, with 4 shots of espresso.. Got a fucking skateboard. HOLLAR! lol.. Fucking A!!!! Everything went awesome.. Too bad it had to end.. Oh well.. Tommorow! NY! CHEA!! Fucking awesome yo.. Heh..

-LATERz!!!!
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May. 31st, 2005 @ 10:52 am (blank)
fuck it, I'm getting a tattoo for my birthday..

^_^!!
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May. 22nd, 2005 @ 12:30 am (blank)
Music: K-Os - Superstarr Pt. Zero
so I packed my stuff to leave the house like around 4 finished at 5:30, left and drove around for like 4 hours just thinking.. Thinking hard of what I was about to do moving alone to a place I don't even know at all.. Realizing that if I leave that far with no way of transporting myself to my job or any other place would kind of make my life harder then it is now. So I decided and spoke with my dad, kind of lied to him to pay less in rent here.. I told him I was paying 250/month.. I knew he would be an asshole so he said I would have to pay 400/month. Better then 450, or 500/month. Also I get to keep the cat (Kiddy) Moreover I'm living local again, Haledon.. It really sucks that I wasn't able to have my own place although I would have love to. I mean it was a huge place, for 500$ damn. I got lucky find it. I had my own living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, dining room.. It was basically a one man house.. but then again, 500/m Rent + 60$/m Phone + 100 to 130/m Utilities, + food and transportation. I don't think I would have surivived or handle all of that on my own... The sucky part that's included to is that on the contract I can't live with anymore people.. So I couldn't bring anyone with me to share the house with. Oh well, some lucky fucker will take it and enjoy it. Good luck to them ^_^. In the meanwhile, big check next week from work.. All going to be gone though. I have to take Kiddy to the Vet get some Xrays done, then see if he would have to go through any surgery or anything close to it. Furthermore, I have to get my car fixed now. Start getting what I need to get together first then move on from their to have my own place I guess.

I feel kind of bad not being able to be on my own.. Now I have to put up with my dads bullshit everyday again. I'll just live with it I guess, try to get used to it, although I never did.

OH!! Good news though, this place has a big wooden floor living room I can break and headspin in.. SWEET! lol, and I can get my Skateboard sooner....

CHEA! Yo, once I get that skateboard we goin to caldwell chill with mickens ---(Gabe) haha!
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May. 19th, 2005 @ 03:35 pm (blank)
tommorow I Leave.. Well was suppose to, but the guy said sunday because they had put some shit in my room that they need time to take out.. what an asshole. lol

So sunday afternoon I'll be good... Tommorow (Friday) I'll crash at a motel for the two night probably.. Anyone have shit they don't need that I can look at? That I may use at my place heh.. Small things not HUGE.. I want to make my home livable and nice.. I NEED POSTERS FUCK!

38 wakefield pl
Caldwell NJ, 07006

Remember that.. That's off Central Ave, which that is off Bloomfield Ave. if you don't know how to get their..

I NEED VISITS! I'll be far away now in gringo towns lol..
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May. 15th, 2005 @ 05:29 pm (blank)
6 am, to 3pm M-F Victoria Secret..

5pm to 10 pm. M-F K-B Toys (Hopefully)

11pm to 2 am. (FIND SOME RANDOM RESTAURANT TO WORK IN)

3am to 5am Sleep lol..

YAY! I HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE!

I'll probably just have two jobs until I get enough money to finish fixing my car then get the third job after I have my car, to pay insurance + Rent + phone bill +Internet hopefully...

I think I'm going to get my skateboard by the end of june rather then the end of this month.. :( SUCKS!
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May. 12th, 2005 @ 08:39 am (blank)
i had a dream i got a skateboard again and was at caldwell with you guys just fucking around.. How sad.. =\
I want a new deck... =\
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May. 11th, 2005 @ 08:32 am (blank)
if i bitch out at the last minute.. and don't sign up...

I sware I'm going to buy mad weed.. spray paint, and go take my anger on the walls..And fuck myself up for being a fucking dumb ass..

then smoke some people up lol

fucking hard ass decision.. ARGH!
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May. 4th, 2005 @ 09:41 am (blank)
YAY!!!!!
lol

My new address in two weeks will be..

38 wakefield ave.
Caldwell, NJ, 07006

DAMN!!! I'm NASTY!

Got my place down, down payment set, got my furniture ready to get moved..

DONATIONS PLEASE! lol, need a TV, VCR, lol any home applicances PLEASE! haha

500/m, DAMN! I found out how to make at least 400 from my job now..

400= 40+ Hours of work.. And deciding on from two other jobs which one I should take as a second job...

Waiter or Sales Associate again.. =\

I might go with waiter since it's in caldwell too, real close.. FUCK! MY CAR WILL BE FIXED SOON TOO.. so fucking awesome! haha..

Sorry, was bored.. Not really excited but worried what if all don't go well heh.
oh well time will tell.

September 11, 2005 - Off to Army..

TO DO List before I go:

Skate session with Gabe, Mickens, Avik, and other people
Break better to compete at the comps
Save up as quick as possible
I'm in shape now I have to keep it that way..
Don't know what else to say haha.. FEK!

-later
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Apr. 28th, 2005 @ 09:04 am (blank)
che chea! lol, shits going shittier.. nothing much.

My last summer here in this shit hole.. (Jersey) Going off to the seas september YAY! Finally! Work my ass off for 4 months, save up and bounce..

Who's coming!?!?!?! I sware this time I am leaving lol... Fuck everything that's held me back... I'm free and off on my own CHEA! Finally some clarity.. lol


Update:

Finishing Semester
Working
Breaking
Meeting with old friends
Meeting new friends (lol acting is fun)
excersising as much as I can kind of now.. YAY 6 PACK! lol

PEACE
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Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 08:51 am (blank)
i am so sick... I've never been this sick since like I was little...

My head is pounding.. It's boiling hot, my throat is starting to rip little bit of tissue from all the coughing, I'm afraid I might start bleeding when I cough. That's how much it hurts. In addition I don't even have insurance because my stupid ass dad doesn't want to do it now..

I've taken Theraflu, Dyquil, Nyquil, Tylenol... Some antibiotic.. And I just puked out all the medicine. I fell like I'm going to die from dehydration or my head getting too hot..

FUCKING A!

I'm feeling all strength less.. It sucks.. If pat fights me I think one punch will fucking kill me.. lol no offense.. I'm just saying.. :D lol
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Apr. 1st, 2005 @ 01:21 pm (blank)
hmm.. i dont know what to get..

New cell phone?
Digital Camcorder
New Digi Cam
or just the PSP lol..

Cell phone would be
Motorola V600
or the Samsung E315
If not that try to get the Samsung p705

BUT

in the digi camcorder:

Canon ZR300 MiniDV Camcorder w/22x Optical Zoom (High Metal)

or

Sony DCRDVD101 DVD Handycam Camcorder w/10x Optical Zoom


On the digicam

Olympus C7000 7MP Digital Camera with 5x Optical Zoom

or

Olympus Camedia C-5060 5.1 MP Digital Camera w/4x Optical Zoom

OR

Sony MVCCD500 CD Mavica 5MP Digital Camera w/ 3x Optical Zoom


Or maybe just get a PSP... Don't know..

Any suggestions please?
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Mar. 24th, 2005 @ 08:55 pm (blank)
I'm being torn apart mentally and emotionally.. life sucks
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Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 02:42 pm (blank)
the truth is, yes I do feel the same way you feel about me.
as well as yes, I will marry you then. Not now but you'll just have to give me some time.

As for weed, I won't stop you'll have to deal with it just how you deal with my bullshit.
I drink only socially, I get drunk yes but not enough to barf all over the place.

Your the only person who really understand everything I go through or say, moreover always
inspires me on moving on. I hope you feel the same way I feel now because really I feel
happy. I'll see you soon I hope you have fun and take care. I will see you soon, and I'll wait
for you. If you can't reach me you have my friends number, mom. If we ever lose touch of one another
I'll always be there. Just have to look for me, the same with me, I'll look for you.

I hope everything will go well..

Love you,

bye.


Guys and girls, looks like I'll be the first one to go, as single to a bonding relationship..

heh.. =\
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Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 12:16 pm (blank)
Mood: depressed
Music: tool - Parabol
The shit people go through in the past always some how come back to us in the present and ends up ruining our happy lives. Why do people have to treat each other so awfull. Like, what triggers them to do the things they do now? Why can't they just live normal and let things go and live on through it like every other day? The thought of human cruelty, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and all other terms which lead to any type of abuse on other human beings is so mind bothering. You can eventually just tell me to forget about it, and not think about any of it. But if you only would understand what exactly I had gone through, and what crisis I'm going through now, you would think maybe twice. I don't want you to feel sad for me, or talk to me just because I am going through some sort of a very bad depression phase. It is very difficult for me to explain what kind of thoughts goes through my head because it all just seems blurred or just blank. Moreover some things just can't be mentioned at all, due to it being very personal. I have people trying to help me move forward and try to make my state of being right now better then it is now. But the fact is, they have no idea how difficult it is. I've been very very confused lately, about all types of things, mostly decision making. No one knows exactly what I've been thinking about this past month. Then again I would say it but I'm afraid I might be taken into some mental hospital or something and make me worse. The happiness that I had before is now gone, and what's left is the feeling of depression. It kind of sucks as a whole though, big time. I kind of find it so Ironic though how for these past months except this last one, everything was so overwhelming, I saw everything in my life was changing little by little, I saw myself working my issues out perfectly one step at a time. But just one night, everything just turned upside down and it all went down hill from their. I don't understand why everything has to happen like that. Like, I see all the people I know always smiling having a good time advancing forward with their life. For me it's like it never moves forward, it always stays frozen. My time never moves forward, I wish everything just went back the way it used to be. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone in the future.

It was just meant to be.
I'll miss you all..
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